Update!

     I have begun to accomplish some of the personal goals I had set for myself a month or so ago.  I am well on my way in crocheting a baby blanket and my Warrior Ninja has also unexpectedly jumped in!  He has been enthusiastically crocheting with me and is turning out really nice hats!  Already the "orders" are pouring in as cousins and friends see the one he wears around now.

    Since I have been feeling better I have been cooking a bit more.  I made a good split pea soup the other day and was surprised to find what a healthy and delicious option this is!  I added broccoli, potatoes and carrots as well as chicken broth and found that the potatoes made it taste a little creamy even though I didn't add milk or butter.  I also made another good soup from the "Bear Mountain" dry soup packets, adding vegetables, cream cheese, and some bacon.  This is probably not as healthy due to the sodium content and being a prepackaged food but it was a relatively cheap dinner as it will last as a few meals and so yummy!

    In the interest of saving money and paying off debt the Warrior Ninja and I are going to be moving in with our friends, and their three children (with one on the way in January).  It is a mutually beneficial arrangement I thin,k albeit somewhat counter cultural in an American society.  I am looking forward to having a full size kitchen to use though as our apartment kitchen is teeny tiny and doesn't even have a full size stove let alone counter space.  We get along with them very well.  It will be an interesting adjustment but I am looking forward to it. 

   Another effort I want to begin making in the interest of saving money is to focus on cutting food costs as I believe this to be one of our biggest outflows of money after bills.  The Warrior Ninja brought me home a magazine from "Mother Earth News' that is a "Guide to Self-Reliance and Country Skills" in which there are lots of money saving tips.  Specifically in this regard I have begun to wonder if there are ways I could get "free" veggies and fruits from local farmers if I volunteered with them in harvesting or gleaning.  The magazine suggests this works but being in Los Angeles I am unsure of how "local" farmers are.  I also find it a bit overwhelming adding this on after work, being pregnant, etc. but at the same time it might actually be something I enjoy and trying it out once couldn't kill me, right?  They also whole heartedly suggest that you buy everything in season when it is cheaper and then can so you have it later.  Again canning has come up...how hard is this?  Sounds like a dedicated way to save money....do I even like canned food?  Some people suggest drying your fruit...don't you need a dehydrator for this?  Is it worth investing in?

    In pregnancy news!!  I am feeling a lot better, still not up to my full work hours yet.  I am averaging about 24 hours a weeks currently and still feel tired when I get home.  Still feel nauseous and gaggy if I don't take the anti-nausea medication unfortunately, but at least with its use I feel well enough to go to work.  Had an ultrasound today and it looks as if we will be having a BOY!  The Warrior Ninja already looks very proud and happy. :) 

Cooking, Collages, and Crafts

     The past two days have been productive in a crafty sort of way.  Being that I am beginning to feel a bit better but still can't move around to much I have been looking for little projects I can do sitting down.  I am happy to say that I have beans cooking in my slow cooker right now!  I had my Warrior Ninja put the ingredients in a ziploc for me last night (the smell of the necessary onions and garlic I still find hard to manage due to the pregnancy sickness).  This morning I simply had to pour the beans and other ingredients into the slow cooker and add some chicken broth and water!  Looking forward to trying them!

     I also began to put together a recipe book.  I so often print out the pages of recipes and then they get lost or thrashed.  I filled the binder with page protectors so it will be that much more convenient for me to put the recipes away if I like it, plus the page protectors will be easy to wipe off should they get dirty.  I enjoyed the process of putting the binder together and especially making it look special!  In time I will probably add dividers of some sort.  I might do a section of slow-cooker recipes, another for freezer meals, breakfast and dinner and/or ethnicity rather then breaking it down into type of foods.

     I decided to see if I could crochet a hat to work towards my goals in "Ways to Raise".  I am not planning on trying to raise any money from this right now but I figure if I ever was to do that I better learn how to crochet and perfect the art.  Also I have thought this would be a good way to save money for Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews and friends who I think would like it.  I watched this video by DZCrochetCreations to learn how to crochet last night.  I remember that I was taught how to crochet a hat in college but now that 5+ years have passed since that time I don't remember the first thing about it besides the basic single stitch!  After watching this video, repeating steps, pausing and unraveling for an hour or so I finally found my groove and I believe I am on my way to a nice little crocheted beanie!

NEVER EVER Eat a Whole Can of Peaches at Once!

     And most definitely not when you are still struggling with morning sickness!!  Lesson learned.  Currently sitting here with a gurgling stomach, access of saliva forming in my mouth, and trying to decide if I should just get it over with or fight to keep it down.  Right now I am fighting...we'll see.  So far I have lost 16 pounds this pregnancy and I just feel like the responsible thing to do for Rosie Posie (what the Country Contessa's four year old has named my baby) is to try and keep my nutrients where they belong!

     Before I made the mistake of not eating until around noon and then eating a bunch of peaches I was feeling pretty good all in all.  I showered without having trouble with the smell of the shampoo and conditioner, got DRESSED for the first time in ages even though I am staying home, AND put my hair into a french braid.  I took many little pauses and breaks as the standing up for to long still is giving me nausea, but overall I feel very accomplished!!

     Feeling a little better but not yet well enough to start cleaning or anything has given me the opportunity to meal plan for the arrival of Rosie Posie. (As a side note my Warrior Ninja is personally convinced we are having a boy so he probably will not be to thrilled when I tell him I am referring to his "son" as Rosie Posie.  I have a feeling its a girl but I am told by him that I am wrong.)  I have found a great site called Six Sister's Stuff which is a treasure trove of all sorts of easy looking recipes.  I particularly like their frozen meals and crock-pot recipes.  My Warrior Ninja bought me a crock-pot last christmas but I have barely used it unfortunately, due in part to my tiny apartment kitchen.  If I put the crock-pot on the counter I have very little space to clean, prepare, or dice anything.  As we will be moving soon I am excited about trying out some of these recipes once I feel a bit better!  I think it will be soon!  I am currently putting together a shopping list and stack of recipes to put in a binder.  The idea is I will try the recipes now and then in the month before Rosie Posie's entrance do them again so we have ready made food to eat at our finger tips!  I'll keep you updated as to how it goes!

I Brushed My Teeth Today!!!

Without GAGGING!!  Angel's sing in background! Flowers spontaneously grow and bloom! Birds take to flight singing songs of joy around my bathroom window!  Could  it be?  A light at the end of the tunnel??   I actually felt pretty good today!  Sure, I felt the edges of nausea from time to time, but over all I felt good for most of the day.  I am getting more nauseous as I usually do towards the end of the day but STILL!   PROGRESS!!!!!  I actually brushed me teeth TWICE in a row but because it felt so good to be able to do it!  

From Coop to Curry - Our baby steps into self sustanence.

     Yesterday the Warrior Ninja and I were able to be at the Country Contessa's house for their second and third butchering of the chickens for dinner.  The first butchering was a very brave feat that a younger sister accomplished with much moral support from the six nieces and nephews, the Country Contessa, and many youtube videos watched of the most humane and simple way of accomplishing this.  I watched a video of this butchering and it went off fairly well.  My younger sister really steeled herself for the unpleasant task and executed it without dropping the chicken or backing out which could have caused more pain to the chicken.  Yesterday it was the Country Contessa and Husband's turn to learn how.

      As children, many was the time I would jump in front of my older sister, when a dog approached due to her deathly fear of them.  Over the years I have seen her endeavor to overcome this skittishness around animals as she does not want to instill or impart it to her children.  We have had talks about the root of this fear, ways around it, etc. and yet still it persists.  In fact, my sister, is skittish around pretty much any animal that makes sudden movements.  When she got some pet rabbits for her children I could see the stress on her face as she held them and the inevitable flinching and grimacing if the rabbit squirmed in her arms.  It is a true cross!  She really likes animals!  She WANTS to hold them and have them!  Her oldest being ten now she relies on him and some of the others to pick up the chickens and corral them when needed.  Yesterday, however, she crossed a rite of passage into the land of self sustenance!   The Warrior Ninja and I were very proud of her as she picked up one of her chickens for the first time and kept a hold of it throughout the butchering process!  TRIUMPH!

    This was the first butchering I have been to and although it was an incredible feat for us, we all agree that it could have gone a bit better.  Having the unsuspecting dinner placed in her hands she soothed its feathers to calm it, wanting it to be peaceful before its demise.  Gently she wrapped her cute kitchen apron with the pretty prints around the chickens body making sure to cover its talons, never so near to her body before.   Satisfied the chicken felt soothed and comfortable she raised the newly sharpened knife to the chickens neck and held it there...she couldn't move.  In truth I don't know how well I would do in the same situation but I was ready to fully support her in doing it. "Just WAIT!  Everyone just WAIT and give me time to think!" she desperately yelped at us.  ....eight pairs of eyes glanced at each other...we hadn't said a thing.  I leaned forward.  "You are doing great!  You are HOLDING a chicken!  You've wrapped it up nicely in your apron", I said soothingly, "and you can do this!, I spoke with more enthusiasm, "We are survivors!  We are self sustainers! Now, you can't hesitate!  You just have to do it in one, powerful, swift motion!"  Her eyes were riveted on the knife held up to the chicken's neck.  "Your right.  Your right!  I can do this!" she exclaimed and SLICED!  ...unfortunately for both the chicken and the Contessa the feathers proved to be a little hard to get through even though she had tried to slice so they wouldn't be in the way.  The blood immediately began to let but not as quickly as we had hoped and the chicken to struggle against the apron which it quickly unwound itself out of. The chicken squirmed and kicked as the Contessa's face took on a look of disgusted determination intermingled with fear at the possibility of a chicken attack which, if successful, would most certainly cost her a finger or an eye. The Contessa grasped at it desperately, the children and I backed away from the possibility of being sprayed if she suddenly released it, the Warrior Ninja stayed by her side encouraging her, as we all told her it was going to be fine.  The chaos lasted for a few minutes as we reassessed the situation and finally the Warrior Ninja finished the job off as the Contessa continued her death grip on the chicken.  We all were relieved as we moved on to the next phase of plucking it.   There was still one more to go however.

     The second chicken was bigger.  The Contessa's Husband came out of the house as the plucking was commencing and announced, as I tried to convince the Contessa to butcher the next one as well because "practice makes perfect", that he was perfectly capable of butchering the chicken and the Contessa did not need to do it herself!  Great!  The more to learn this skill the better!  We lined him up with apron and knife.  The Warrior Ninja created a "neck stretcher" to assist this time.  He tied a small rope to a beam and looped the end over the chickens head so the Husband could gently pull the body back and have more success in the cut. While his cut went deeper than the Contessa's his grip was not as firm.  It. was. disgusting.  Blood sprayed everywhere!  All over his clothes and on his chin as he scrambled to reaffirm the grip he once had on the chicken.  Thankfully this chicken was much quicker to succumb to its fate but at the end of the day we all agreed that we definitely need to perfect the butchering process.  Ultimately I believe we agreed that the knife we chose to use was to short and perhaps a knife where we could utilize a longer stroke against the neck would result in a cleaner more expedient death.

    The Warrior Ninja and I had to start for home after the butchering but were amazed later to find a text message picture showing us the contents of the gizzard containing screws, bb gun pellets, chunks of glass, and shell casings.  The free range chickens definitely had an interesting appetite.  My sister reports she made an excellent smelling chicken soup.  I am still trying to convince her that she needs to taste it.

Here is a video of the process which we were trying to recreate:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_S3P0eU0lE

     Until next time!

Homesteading?

    Why am I even thinking about the possibility of having a little more self survival and "living off the land" in my life when I have been freaking out about being pregnant, having morning sickness, and working to boot, you ask?  My multi-faceted answer is that A) I believe I will enjoy the challenge of it and I am a firm believer that you should put as much work into playing as you put into working.  Having spent the last five weeks or so flat on my back watching mind numbing amounts of documentaries, movies, and tv shows found on netflix I am confident I will never want to rest again once I feel better!  B) I raised rabbits when I was little and found it very satisfying.  C)  I look forward to feeling smug when my canned soup and rabbit farm sustains me and my warrior ninja family and comforts my hungry cousins and aunts and uncles after "The Big One" finally hits Los Angeles and we are thrown into utter chaos.  ...and it never hurts to be prepared, right?  Last but not least even if we never actually NEED my canned soups and rabbit skin blankets...oh yes, I plan on skinning, curing, and sewing blankets with my rabbit furs left over after I butcher them for my canned rabbit stew...I will feel like I hold valuable experience that will up my skill level and desirability to be a valued member of a team should we experience any sort of end times survival scenario or the zombie apocalypse.

     Now, a great deal of my inspiration comes from my older sister, The Country Contessa,  who is living the life I thought I would have when I was little.  While my Mother pulled me and my other siblings to work hard on our acre so that it would look like no weed ever thought of growing the now Country Contessa stayed in the house listening to music, baking, and cleaning.  The reason for this was two fold.  1)  She was good at cleaning and my mother was more than happy to leave it to her and 2) She did not like to be dirty...more on this later. From my perspective my mother believed that our one acre in the country should be so well maintained that anyone who came to visit never even thought of the possibility that a weed would dare show its face or that a bush have any wayward branch stretching farther than the others on the bush.  The result was a beautiful yard that visitors accepted without acknowledging the extraordinary effort of "Mother's Helpers", as she called us, the hours of weeding, hula hoeing, raking, trimming, mowing, planting, watering, etc.  To give credit our mother was right there besides us, pushing us to give everything we had, teaching us to sing joyfully while we worked, instilling in us the luxury of a coveted rest under the shade of an orange tree, and trying unsuccessfully to keep me from shaking the dirt from my weeds onto my sisters and throwing worms at them to hear them squeal.

     I spent my days playing at being an Indian or Cowboy, complete with staining my face and clothes with "dye" from green walnuts and pomegranates I had mushed by hand with rocks.  I stole tools from my dad's shed to take into the acres of overgrown Christmas Trees behind our house so that I could build strategically placed and camouflaged forts.  I endeavored to light fires by rubbing sticks together and trap wild animals I never saw but believed wholeheartedly surrounded me everywhere.  In truth there were only feral cats and the occasional coyotes but I spent years laying in wait for the foxes, wild rabbits, and whatever else might enter my traps.  I built a rabbit cage from chicken wire and pieces of old rotten lumber I found laying around after my mother refused my request to get rabbits.  I figured even if she had said no having a cage would be one step closer to a yes.  I suffered innumerable scratches and blisters on my youthful hands from sawing, hammering, working with wire, and ultimately building professional grade rabbit cages with j-clips, wire cutters, and appropriate wire for rabbit cages as my dad took an uncharacteristic and treasured interest in my stubborn project teaching me how to build cages.  After I had three cages built my mother relented on the rabbit issue.  I ended up with seven cages, including my crooked yet functional first attempt, and up to 13 rabbits at a time.  In addition to this I gutted the old wooden shed on our property, directing my younger siblings, tore up a floor board to reveal the dirt beneath in order to provide a living space for the chickens we would have for years to come.  All of this before the age of 13.  Meanwhile my dear Country Contessa was cooking, baking, cleaning, looking mature and lovely, cutting out pictures of Mel Gibson and placing them under her mattress, and day dreaming of the man she would one day marry.

     This all being the case, how is it then that I live in an apartment with my wonderful warrior ninja, in a suburb of Los Angeles, expecting a child and working while she has a beautiful house in the kern county, with a chicken coop, slaughtering her own chickens for dinner, cats, a producing garden, and plans for a rabbitry in the near future for breeding meat rabbits, while raising and homeschooling six children!  She already has a plan on how to slaughter, skin, and breed them.  All information which I had have been gathering since I was 11 she gets to practice.  I still cannot believe that my older clean and tidy sister assisted in the slaughter of a chicken.  At any rate she is the reason that I am now pursuing the idea of being a bit more self-sustaining even though I live in the city.  I have always loved that sort of thing and although I may not be able to have a chicken coop I believe I can have a functioning rabbitry in the city and canning is also something I could do.

     SO!  Welcome to my adventure of pregnancy, motherhood, homemaker, working woman, self-sustainer!  Yea...I might be in over my head...

   This may be the first recipe I try with rabbit meat!  Taken from the Homestead and Homekeeping blog listed in the right column.  Thanks Kat!

Creamy Rabbit and Rice
1 rabbit cut into pieces
1 cup sour cream
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 package of onion soup mix
Salt and pepper to taste. Place salt and peppered rabbit pieces in crockpot. Then mix the other ingredients in a bowl and dump on top of the rabbit making sure that all of the rabbit is covered. Cook on low for about 6 hours or on high for about 3 1/2 to 4 hours. When the rabbit is tender it is done. I served this over brown rice with a side of asparagus and sliced tomatoes. I also served with garlic bread. Super yummy and oh so easy.

Here are some of the websites I have been looking at for ideas in canning and rabbitry:

Right now I am going to focus on canning soup as I like soup and the process seems a little more simple than making jelly.  Also don't particularly care for foods with vinegar.
http://pickyourown.org/canningsoups.htm

I like this video as it shows some nice nesting drop boxes and a variety of different cage set ups.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufBWrSdlwTM&feature=related

Having looked at a lot of different sites and ideas on how to tan hides this seems like the most simple route to go as well as being able to accomplish without any electricity at all.
http://www.motherearthnews.com/Modern-Homesteading/1983-01-01/How-To-Tan-Rabbit-Hides.aspx

We are fearfully and wonderfully made!

Well, I finally broke.  Honestly I don't quite know how I have done this for as long as I did.  I asked for a leave of absence from work today.  I have mixed emotions about it but ultimately believe this is the best thing for my body, my baby, and my sanity.  Most of all I will be relieved to be away from countless well intentioned people constantly asking me the same questions and giving me their two cents about how I should best cope.  I don't mind if family does this...but constantly having co-workers do it is exhausting.

  Its strange how exhausting this process is.  I wonder what it feels like for baby dear to be growing inside of me.  Baby dear doesn't have formulated thoughts but emotions? How does it feel to be in there.  There is the passage of time.  Baby dear has a soul.  That soul has personality without experience.  If anything it is raw personhood, the very essence of personality, the building blocks are just waiting for experience to form it.  This is very interesting to me.  Baby dear has a guardian angel...where is that guardian angel?  Is it standing next to me too now?  Or is is it small and tiny wrapping its wings around baby dear, keeping baby dear company spiritually?  I tend to believe this later one.  Baby dear's guardian angel is its first companion...they probably communicate in a spiritual way that baby dear won't remember later, but the impression will last.  How sad for babies that are born into harsh environments to go from the gentle comradery with their angel to a rough and tumble world.  When this is the case how does that effect the future spiritual development of a child?  It seems if the premise I have laid out is true that it would make the poor baby mistrust  its spiritual awakening and companion in the womb and perhaps more difficult to have a deep and trusting relationship with God later in life.  But if a baby goes from that sweet friendship to loving arms and voices he or she may miss their first friendship with their guardian angel but feel comforted by the love of their parents and so retain a sweetness to the spiritual experience within the womb.  This is all musing of course, I have never heard of anyone speak on this matter but I think there may be some mystical merit to what I saw.  It certainly can't hurt to think it I suppose.

   Baby dear, who are you?  What does God aspire for you to be?  What is his perfect will for your life?  Will you be artistic and agile like our warrior ninja?  Will you be passionate and feisty like your mama?  Who will you be Baby dear?  We love you.  We pray you are healthy and growing well.  Guardian angel of my baby, keep your wings wrapped tight around Baby dear, guard Baby dear from all fear or uncertainty and sing songs of triumph and praise until Baby dear can hear me that Baby dear's heart will be made for rejoicing and laughter.  We praise You God for the gift of this life.  We praise You for we are fearfully and wonderfully made!

You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb.

I praise you, so wonderfully you made me; wonderful are your works! My very self you knew;

my bones were not hidden from you, When I was being made in secret, fashioned as in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes foresaw my actions; in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be.

How precious to me are your designs, O God; how vast the sum of them!  - Psalm 139

My Life as a Platypus

  I feel awful.  I gag as I write this, between sentences, words, letters.  I type as I can.  I thank God that I am not vomiting. I wonder 'if I did would that make me feel better?'.  I am starting my ninth week of pregnancy...or eleventh depending on how you look at it some people tell me.  All I know is that nine weeks ago a new life was brought into being.  About five weeks ago I found out.  I want to say that I am thrilled beyond words for this new life, for my first child.  And I think I was...now, to be honest, it is hard to understand how women do this multiple times.  I do not have the experience of having a child before to bolster me through.  I am sure it is absolutely worth it!  I AM so excited to have a toddler someday...please give me the toddler.  Or an infant...give me an infant, I will rejoice!  But this process of "growing your own" leaves me feeling exhausted, sad, constantly nauseous.  My warrior ninja husband is so excited but he has a sad look in his face when he looks at me.  I can't stand the way he smells...shoot, I can't stand the way anyone smells.  Everything makes me gag.  I feel like a platypus.

  I am a Platypus.  I am part duck, part beaver, a mammal that lays eggs.  No one else in my family is a platypus.  I have no platypus history to look at and ask "How did you juggle all the demands of being a platypus?"  "When you were a platypus and pregnant what did you do?"  No.  My family, my history, my frame of reference did not prepare me for my undertaking of being a platypus wife.  Let me explain lest I leave you in confusion.  Let me start with my background, culture, and faith.

  I am a Roman Catholic, true to all the teachings of Rome.  I grew up in a blessed Catholic home with six sisters, two brothers, a stay at home mom and employed dad.  My mother bravely took on the task of educating us.  I first stepped foot in a "real" classroom when I started taking community college classes at 16 to supplement my home-school high school classes.  I guess you could say I hit the ground running and didn't stop until I got my Masters in Occupational Therapy in May of 2011.  My adventures occurred throughout the years but ultimately my formal education was completed there.  Growing up I was surrounded by big happy Christian and Christian Catholic families that home-schooled their children, for the most part, but all of which had mothers that were stay at home moms (SAHM).  Sure, all these families made financial decisions to sacrifice in some way so this was possible...but it WAS possible.  And now here I am.  Catholic, married, expecting our first child, and working because it is necessary.

  I am in no way against working but as this pregnancy has progressed I have come to a deeper realization of why for most of history women did not work.  I am amazed by the devotion and love of mothers who go through this pregnancy sickness time and time again.  I wish I could be them.  I wish I could curl up on my sofa and try to ease my stomach slowly with crackers, water, small sips of soda.  I wish I could be miserable at home.  Instead I get up each morning and throw up (like so many of SAHMs...but then I dress, try to make it look like I brushed my hair, forgo the makeup (as I am sure they are also doing) and drive to work at a skilled nursing facility (some people still call it convalescent hospital) to rehabilitate the elderly and breath in all the smells that comes with it.  At least I get to wear scrubs.  I just don't understand.  I don't understand how other moms do this.  It is SO HARD.  I tear up just thinking about going back to work after the weekend.  I am uncomfortable and nauseous at home but at least I am not gagging in front of the whole world.  At least I am not having to excuse myself from a patient as my super sensitive nose picks up every smell associated with the act of living to discreetly gag.  I have taken to hiding in unused rooms to lay on the bed around lunch and I can actually fall asleep I am that exhausted!

  I know this sounds like an awful diatribe...but really I am confused.  How do working women DEAL with this?  I've never had an example of this...I feel alone, sad, angry.  How many times in a day are people going to ask me how I feel??  The SAME PEOPLE!  I want to scream at them...I FEEL AWFUL!  I FELT AWFUL WHEN YOU ASKED ME AN HOUR AGO!  YOU CAN OBVIOUSLY TELL I FEEL AWFUL SO WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME!?!?!?!?!!?  Instead I tell them what I did an hour ago with a weak smile "Okay!" "Fine.".  Or all the trite sayings..."It will all be worth it."  yes...thank you...

  I am a Catholic.  I HOPE and BELIEVE (if those can go together) that when I am puking my guts out on an already empty stomach, my stomach feels likes it being punched, and only stomach acid is coating my throat, that in those moments when I say "This is for my husband, for the holiness of my unborn child" it is gaining extraordinary merit.  Because on the one hand I believe it should and on the other hand I am so unhappy with the situation I can't see how God can accept my pathetic cry for graces for my family.  I realize am not the best at smiling joyfully through suffering, but I am trying really hard to still be loving to my husband, to NOT say all the sharp things I want to say to well meaning condolers,  I am TRYING to still find ways of making my warrior ninja smile like I used to do so often before I felt sick all the time.  It is very discouraging.  Very draining.  Very sad.

  Hello little life inside me.  I don't want you to feel like I am angry at you.  I don't want you to feel that I am sad that I am expecting you.  I LOVE YOU.  I WILL LOVE YOU.  Mama's just going through a hard time right now.  I want you to be a child of joy and laughter.  I pray specifically for these things and that God will pour his Holy Spirit down upon you even now and FILL YOU with the gifts of the Holy Spirit!  I pray that He will give you Wisdom and a Compassionate Heart!  I pray good things for you my baby.  I put my hand on my abdomen and imagine you in there.  Try and make it feel REAL.  I smile at you.  Your daddy puts his hand there and smiles at you.  Its hard to imagine you but deep down I do KNOW that this is all worth it!  I can't wait to see what you look like, who you are.  I am sorry this is so hard.  You are growing so fast it must be exhausting to you too.  The tears I cry are not because of you but rather for you.  I offer them as a sacrifice of praise.  I PRAISE you JESUS for this life within me,  I offer my pregnancy sickness as a SACRIFICE, a self-giving for this life you have created within me.  This LIFE which is a testimony to you!  This LIFE which IS A SONG OF PRAISE by its very existence.  This is hard my love, my Jesus, it feel unending and lonely.  I praise you in the storm!  I bless your holy name!  Help me.  Help me continue to sacrifice with a steadfast and willing heart.  Blessed be your name when I am found in the desert place, when I'm suffering - blessed be Your Name!

I am a platypus.  I am not just one thing.  I am more than what other mom's I admire are.  Not more as in better, I just have an extra role that does not seem to combine with motherhood.  I want to be a good mother.  I want to be available for my baby.  I have no idea what the future holds and this is a time of uncertainty.  Jesus, YOU led me on the path I have taken.  YOU told me you had ALL THE MONEY in the world!  Provide for our family.  Let your perfect will be done and my will conformed to it.